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The power of imagination makes us infinite. Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
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Do not take life too seriously. You will
never get out of it alive. Life's too mysterious to take it too
serious.
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Brains are awesome I wish everybody had one.
My brain is like The Bermuda Triangle... Information goes in and then
it's never found again.
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A turtle loses his shell; is he naked or homeless ?
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What’s your favorite childhood memory ? Not paying bills.
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What key won't open any door? A turkey.
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How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut
!
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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
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Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus
?
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A man goes to library and asks for a book on
Suicide......... Librarian looks at him and says: "hello.. who will
return the book ? "
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The doctor asks the client with a loss of memory to pay in advance. Because tomorrow may never come.
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Have a friend who can read your "face" as a "book" and ask, "what's up ?"
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Best friends buy you food; true friends pay the bill; but fake friends eat your food. Good times and crazy friends make the best memories.
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When you are stressed, you eat dessert. Because
stressed spelled backwards is "desserts ".
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else. Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.
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Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any
!
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Kindness is always fashionable. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't
expect it back. I have a bad habit of giving an ocean whenever someone asks for a single drop.
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People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic. Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
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You can use your time to make money, but you can't use the money to purchase more time. So I went and bought a
Rolex.
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A lady in front of me at the dollar store paid for my items.
I paid for the man behind me, and he left $10 with the cashier because there
was no one behind him !
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Life does not come with instructions on how to live. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
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Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. I may be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.
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Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
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The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
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Money is a great servant but a bad master. I had
plastic surgery last week. I cut up my
credit cards.
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A thief
stole my wife's credit card. But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
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A thief broke into my house last night….. He
started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
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My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me
cry.
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There's no fear when you're having fun. If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.
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When you learn how much you're worth, don't settle for average. You'll stop giving people discounts. And make sure to add tax.
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10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob
Hope, and Johnny
Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no
Cash. The future is promised to no one.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died;
Never frequent beauty shops that don’t have mirrors. They have something to hide.
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When nothing goes right... goes left. The right thing
with the wrong motive, is the wrong thing. I am not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.
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Life is trying things to see if they work. If I am ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in. See if that works ?
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They say, "Don't try this at home". So I am coming over to your house to try it.
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Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
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If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to laugh about when you're old. I hope it doesn't take you a lifetime to understand this.
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I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to
do it anyway. People say you can’t live without
love, but I think
oxygen is more important.
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My mother always used to say: The older you get, the
better you get, unless you’re a banana.
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Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
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Guy walks out of the restroom... Girl says: "Sir your garage door is open... Guy asks: "Did
you see my Harley"... Girl says: "No, I saw a
mini bike with two flat
tires".
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Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.
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Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple's terms and conditions.
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The oldest computer was owned by Adam and
Eve. It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just
1
byte and everything crashed.
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves ?
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When I was young, I was scared of the dark.
Now when I see the electricity bill, I'm scared of the lights.
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They say with age comes wisdom. Therefore, I don't have wrinkles. I have wise cracks.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed
enough.
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The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of
all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
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The optimist invents the airplane; the
pessimist invents the parachute.
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Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my
alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. I keep calm and turn it off and on again
! There is no
sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
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The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. Every morning you have two choices: continue to
sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.
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The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting
time and go to sleep. If your dreams don't scare you, they are not big enough.
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Stop saying that marriage is "just a piece of paper". So is money, but you still get up every day and work hard for it.
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Marriage is not just a word; it’s a sentence.....
(a life sentence !)
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When a man makes more money, he feels like he wants
more women; but when a woman makes more money, she feels like she doesn't
need a man.
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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men
marry women hoping they will not. Having a wife is part of living, but living with wife is the art of living. A good husband makes a good wife.
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Make your marriage more awesome than your wedding. Marriage is a workshop, where husband works and wife shops.
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Man has his will; woman has her way. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man !
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No man knows more about women than I do, all I know is that I know nothing... The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. I am teachable. I'm not always right.
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I am so clever that sometimes I don't
understand a single word of what I am saying.
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I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
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When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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A valuable lesson teaches you something important.
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are
COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are
FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED
!
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A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
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A woman went
shopping. At the cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a
TV remote
in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today
.........
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card .........
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People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys. Trying to make sense of crazy will make you crazy.
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Don't get me started, I don't come with brakes. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition...
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Laughing at our own mistakes can lengthen our own
life; laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
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I am a very simple person in real life, and I enjoy what I do. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist
it. I try not to laugh at my own jokes but you all know I'm hilarious.
If you don't laugh at my jokes then I will. You laugh because you
think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.
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Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. Laugh while you still have teeth. Don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
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Life is short and so am I. If you lie in bed at night and you
don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries
me.
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Wine gets better with age I get better with wine.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
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My face carries all my memories. Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been. When I got older and opened my eyes and saw
the real world, I began to laugh, and I haven't stopped since.
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The journey is never ending. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. Even though you're growing up, you should never stop having fun. Life
is constantly changing. Dreams don't have an expiration. It is never too late to be what you might have been.
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As we get older, three things happen. The first is our
memory goes, and we can’t remember the
other two.
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Nothing is interesting if you're not interested. Time is money, I cannot afford to waste my time. I need a new friend. The last one escaped. He couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions. Finally I realized, I was never asking for too much, I was just asking the wrong person.
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Do You Know Me ?
How could an innocent question like "Do you know me? " end up like this? And why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a
trial, a Southern
small town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, " Mrs.
Jones, do you know me ? " She responded, " Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
" Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ? " She again replied, " Why
yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him. " The defense attorney almost died. The
judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, " If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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Going to a country where you don't speak the language is like wading into the sea when you can't swim. As soon as we start putting our thoughts into words and sentences, everything gets distorted.
