Things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

• ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning ?
  WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy ?'
  ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you ?
  WITNESS:  My name is  Susan !
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact ?
  WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active ?
  WITNESS:  No, I just lie there.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth ?
  WITNESS:  July 18th.
  ATTORNEY:  What year ?
  WITNESS:  Every year.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  How old is your son, the one living with you ?
  WITNESS:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
  ATTORNEY:  How long has he lived with you ?
  WITNESS:  Forty-five years.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all ?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
  WITNESS:  I forget..
  ATTORNEY:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot ?
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
  WITNESS:  Did you actually  pass the bar exam ?
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
  WITNESS:  He's 20, much like your  IQ !
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken ?
  WITNESS:  Are you shitting me ?
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time ?
  WITNESS:  Getting laid  !
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right ?
  WITNESS:  Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  How many were boys ?
  WITNESS:  None.
  ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls ?
  WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney ?
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated ?
  WITNESS:  By death...
  ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated ?
  WITNESS:  Take a guess.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual ?
  WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.
  ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female ?
  WITNESS:  Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
      
• ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?
  WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people ?
  WITNESS:  All of them.  The live ones put up too much of a fight.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK ?   What school did you go to ?
  WITNESS:  Oral....
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?
  WITNESS:  The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
  ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
  WITNESS:  If not, he was by the time I finished.
      
  
• ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample ?
  WITNESS:  Are you qualified to ask that question ?

• ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?
  WITNESS:  No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure ?
  WITNESS:  No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing ?
  WITNESS:  No..
  ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ?
  WITNESS:  No.
  ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
  WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless ?
  WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.