Jokes  and   Humor

• A famous American journalist visited Kuwait a few years before the Persian Gulf War and mentioned that due to Islamic tradition, wives should walk about ten feet behind their husbands.  After the war, she went back and noticed that Kuwaiti men actually walked about ten feet behind their wives.  She asked a Kuwaiti woman, "It's amazing! What has changed the roles of men and women here ?"  The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Landmines."
     
• I don't advise anyone to take GPS to a cemetery.  Because you don't want to hear " you've reached your final destination. "
     
• Three drunk guys took a taxi.
  The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then they said, "We have reached your destination".
  The first guy gave him money, and the second guy said, "Thank you".  The third guy slapped the driver.
  The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he had done.  But then he asked, "What was that for?".  The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us !

   
• A Japanese husband files for divorce.
  The judge asks, "What's the reason ?"
  The husband replies, "Me no come, she no come, but baby come. How come ?"
     
• I was mugged by a thief last night when I was on my way home.  Pointing a knife at me, he asked me,
  ''Your money or your life?''
  I told him ''I am married, so I have no money and no life....''  We hugged and cried together.
  It was a beautiful moment !
     
• I joined a gym and said to the trainer,
  "I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?"
  She told me to try the ATM outside.
     
• Wife:  "Shall we try a different position tonight ?"
  Husband:  "Excellent idea !"
  Wife:  "OK, you stand at the sink, wash the dishes and I will lie on the sofa and watch TV.
     
• A man received a message from his new neighbor from India:
  "Sorry sir, I have been using your wife day and night when you are not present at home -- maybe using more than you are using.  Now I feel very much guilt.  Hope you will accept my sincerely apologies."
  The man shot his wife... 
  A few minutes later he received another message:
  "Sorry sir, spelling mistake ...  wifi,  not  wife".
  He calls the internet provider:
  "Cancel my internet services because I am done with the issues ! "
     
• Last Child Support Check
  Today is my daughter's 18th birthday....... I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment, month after month, year after year, those payments.  I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your momma's house; you tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."  So my baby girl took the check over to her.  I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like.  As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Well now, what did your momma have to say ?"  " She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy. "
     
• ZIPPER
  A  boss walked  into the office one morning not knowing that his ZIPPER was down and his fly area is wide open.  His secretary walked up to him and said  "BOSS, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"  This was not a phrase that her BOSS understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.  When he was about done with his paperwork he suddenly noticed that his ZIPPER was not zipped up. He zipped up and, remembering what his secretary has told him, finally understood. Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee.  When he reached her desk, he said  "When you saw the garage door open did you see my big Hummer parked in there?"  The secretary smiled for a moment and said -- "No BOSS, I didn't...  All I saw was a Mini-Cooper with two flat tires."
     
  
• No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
  Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is: When you marry the right one, you are  COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are  FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY   FINISHED !
     
• Do You Know Me ?
  How could an innocent question like "Do you know me? " end up like this? And why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
  In a trial,  a Southern small town  prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know me ?  "
  She responded, "  Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "
  The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ? "
  She again replied, " Why yes, I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him. "
  The defense attorney almost died.  The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, " If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
     
• A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:
  Husband :   My wife is missing.  She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
  Sergeant :   What is her height?
  Husband :   Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five feet tall.
  Sergeant :   Weight?
  Husband :   Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
  Sergeant :   Color of eyes?
  Husband :   Never noticed.
  Sergeant :   Color of hair?
  Husband :   Changes a couple times a year . .. . maybe dark brown.
  Sergeant :   What was she wearing?
  Husband :   Could have been a skirt or shorts.  I don’t remember exactly.
  Sergeant :   What kind of car did she go in?
  Husband :   She went in my truck.
  Sergeant :   What kind of truck was it?
  Husband :   A 2014 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats,   DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom floor mats, trailer package with gold hitch.  Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. My wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.
  At this point the husband started tearing up.
  Sergeant :   Don't worry .......  We’ll find your truck.
      
  Alzheimer's and dementia symptoms.
  Police: What's your address?
  Alzheimer's: I live with my parents.
  Police: And where do your parents live?
  Alzheimer's: They live with me.
  Police: So where do you all live?
  Alzheimer's: In the same house.
  Police: Okay... where is your house located?
  Alzheimer's: Right next to my neighbor's.
  Police: And where is your neighbor's house?
  Alzheimer's: You won't believe it.
  Police: Try me.
  Alzheimer's: It's right next to mine.
      
• Credit Card Cancellation
  Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.  This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
  A lady died this past January, and Wonderbank billed her in February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.  The balance had been $0.00 and now is was somewhere around $60.00.  A call was placed to Wonderbank.  Caller: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."  Wonderbank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."  Caller: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."  Wonderbank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."  Caller: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead ?"  Wonderbank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both !"  Caller: "Do you think God will be mad at her ?" Wonderbank: "Excuse me ?"  Caller: "Did you just get what I was telling you -- The part about her being dead ?"  Wonderbank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."  Supervisor gets on the phone, Caller: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."  Wonderbank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."  Caller: "You mean you want to collect from her estate ?" Wonderbank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer ?"  Caller: "No, I'm her great nephew."  (Lawyer info given) Wonderbank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death ?"  Caller: "Sure." (Fax number is given) After they get the fax.  Wonderbank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.  I don't know what more I can do to help."  Caller: "Well, if you figure it out, great !  If not, you could just keep billing her.  I don't think she will care." Wonderbank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."  Caller: "Would you like her new billing address?"  Wonderbank: "That might help."  Caller: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69."
  Wonderbank: "Sir, that's a cemetery !"  Caller: "What do you do with dead people on your planet ?"
     
• A woman went shopping.  At cash counter she opened her purse to pay.  The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.  He couldn't control his curiosity and asked: "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"  She replied: " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today ...  The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased. 
  Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing.  He said your husband has blocked your credit card .........
     
• A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.  The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
  Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
  After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
  "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
  "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
     
• For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
  His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.  There's no way we can afford it.'
  The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
  So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
  Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
  Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
  And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f@$#king bike !
     
• CATHOLIC  HEART ATTACK
  A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.  He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.  As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
  She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
  He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
  The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank ?'
  He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
  The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
  He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
  The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters !  Nuns are married to God.'
  The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
     
• An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
  The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
  The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
  The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us.  Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President.  Now, the whole country is looking for work !"
     
• A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
  As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. 
  Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."
  The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
  "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
  In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
  Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
  The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
     
• Paul decided to travel to the US.  At the Embassy for the visa interview.
  Officer: Where to in the US?
  Paul: San Jose.
  Officer: It's pronounced as San Hosey.
  J is pronounced as H in the: US.
  Paul: Oh, okay !
  Officer: So how long do you plan to be in the US?
  Paul: From Hanuary to Hune or Huly.
  Visa Rejected.
     
• Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.  The sense of humor is the oil of life's engine.  Without it, the machinery creaks and groans.  Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing.  Let them produce joy.  Learn to enjoy every minute of your life.  You'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.
     
• Life is too short to not have fun; we are only here for a short time compared to the sun and the moon and all that.  10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.  Now the USA has no Jobs,  no Hope and no Cash....